How To Lose a “Lover” In 10 Days – by Sasha Markitan

by | Oct 30, 2020

How To: Lose a ‘Lover’ in 10 days

Halloween Edition

Life gets complicated easily, one might say. It might be friend group drama or family affairs, but it never gets easy with romance. 

We’re all searching for that special someone, but love isn’t always a two-way street. Nobody enjoys breakups or particularly hurting others. Hence, the solution is simple…

Get them to break up with you.

On Halloween though, we scare them away.

 

LochMess Monster

Here’s an idea. Show up soaking wet to a date and pretend nothing ever happened, in fact you have no idea what they’re talking about. But don’t stop at that… Go to sleep covered in fake blood, go to church covered in dirt, show up at the Gym covered in slime and most importantly DENY EVERYTHING and DON’T LAUGH. They’re bound to break it off, unless they just send you straight to a mental facility.

Cancel them like Pluto

Bore them to death with astrology talk. And then spend their money on going to a psychic.

For some extra spice, pay your fortune teller to tell them you’re incompatible, and staying in this relationship will end in their slow and painful death.

 

What Rhymes With Witch?

Witches are all cool and fun, until they cast a curse on you. So, here’s some advice, go curse the hell out of them. Treat it like a therapy session, let your inner devil out to play on Halloween. Be crazy, throw things around, get mad, get excessively weird. 

Don’t stop until you hear the magic words, “I want to break up”.

 

Deep Dark Secret

Take a page out of any Agatha Christie novel and come up with your own dark, scary secret. Tailor it carefully to their fears. Maybe your last boyfriend died of suspicious circumstances, maybe you have chronic explosive diarrhea or maybe you’re ready to introduce them to your kids.

Midnight Madness

One way to get someone sick of you, is not letting them get any sleep and I don’t mean the sexy kind. I mean, yelling at the top of your voice every time they start to doze off. When faced with the inevitable confrontation, for a little extra creepiness, tell them you were dreaming of going Hannibal Lecter on them and that in fact, they tasted delicious.

 

My Anaconda Do

Adopt a pet they hate. A tarantula, a snake (tell them it’s poisonous), or a sphinx cat if that’s what it takes. If they have allergies, even better; use it to your advantage.

I’d rather have a pet than a boyfriend anyway.

 

Boils and Bubbles

YouTube is a click away. Find the most disgusting Halloween makeup tutorial and get yucky with it. Just imagine the end result, oozing with unfamiliar, stinky fluids. And oh no! I think it’s growing!!! 

Be sure to tell them it’s contagious. 

Anti-Yeti

Can’t grow hair out in a day like a yeti, that’s ok. Just shave it all off, eyebrows included. Let that spooky moonlight reflect of your smooth, bald head. 

And if they still love you, maybe they’re worth another chance.

 

Ghost Them

This one is a keeper; too bad they aren’t. You could just block them on all your social media and avoid any places you have in common. 

OR….

Disappear, and make all your friends tell them you died 10 years ago.

 

Fake Your Own Death

Although, I can’t really guide you through this one, keep in mind it works for tax evasion too.

Sherlock Holmes did it, so it can’t be that hard. Just make sure it’s a closed casket funeral. 

 

So here are 10 ways you might scare a lover away. If they don’t work, call me, I’ll help you bury their body.

Nonetheless, try to be kind. I’m sure their greatest Halloween fear is losing you.

I would like to end this piece with a last remark. I will not be held accountable for any disasters that may come from reading this article. Please be careful with the advice I have given and keep in mind that the consequences of your actions might end up haunting you.

Happy Halloween.